That is what I thought by 4:30 yesterday afternoon. It had just been a long day. A very, long day. The kids didn’t take a nap, everyone was cranky, I was cranky, one child in particular was having an “off” day, I was having an off day, almost a typical day. Only, I just couldn’t handle it.

I asked my husband to bring home dinner – early. By 5:30, all the kids had a bath and I was trying to figure out how I could strategically get them all in bed within the hour. Horrible, I know. But they needed it. I needed it! It was going to be another night home alone with them since my husband had to work late, again. And you know, 2 of them were asleep immediately – 1 on the sofa and 1 in a chair – by 6 o’clock! I got those 2 in bed and started the task of getting the other 2 down. Luckily it looked like it was going to rain the entire afternoon – dark and cloudy.

My kids totally fell for it.

Only, the phone kept ringing. I pushed the “do  not disturb” button, so if you called – I didn’t hear it to answer. Sorry. Hudson would not stop singing Veggie Tale songs and was continually cracking himself up by singing – off key. I normally find it cute and snicker with him. But I was getting annoyed.

Today was one of those days where it was obvious that Lawson is autistic. Actually, the past 10 days it has been obvious.

I’m not in denial. Never have been. But my expectations are slipping.

I remember vividly when I was told my expectations were too high for Hudson. I “expected way to much from him” at such a young age. I also remember if I could have reached through that phone I would have punch that person in the face.

I still don’t like that person.

But I did have high expectations.

And Hudson met everyone.

Even though he has his crazy quirks, I relate to him. But I’m quirky. And I’m glad I had and still have those high expectations. He has come a long way.

It’s hard to not compare Lawson to Hudson. They are both on the spectrum. They both struggle socially. Brilliant minds. Unconventional ways of communicating. Sensitive. Obsessive. I could keep going. But what is the point. They are completely different.

It’s been happening over the past 10 days. The realization sinking in. And I cried. I come to terms with it yesterday.

Lawson has said no more than 10 words in 10 days. I have refused to give in when he grunts, pulls my arm, points – he has to “tell me” what he wants. Over time, he started using his magna-doodle . He writes it down – his needs. It can say “juice” or “snack”. He can get specific and write out “chocolate milk” or “rainbow goldfish”. He can write out “movie” or “puzzle” or anything else he needs. Because for his 3 year old mind it is easier to write out his needs than to just tell me.

I know he is only 3. And time is on our side. We do therapy. I try to do all I’m suppose to do – all I can do. But when my 3 year old can write out his needs and refuses to speak them – there is definitely a problem. And yesterday, I realized it more than ever.

I fell asleep with the kids last night. Because I know that when I feel like I can’t do it anymore, I shut down. I’ve been up since 2 am so I can start my day.

And do it all over again.

Because I choose to.